I have been going through a really big point of upheaval in my life. It started with a great opportunity. I went about it like I always do: focused, determined on my training and working out like nothing else even mattered or was important. I wanted to be ready for this opportunity that was in front of me. To be honest, I poured everything I had into being ready, to give it 110%. Well, it didn't work out exactly how I had envisioned. In fact, it didn't work out in any way I had thought it would. This has caused some really painful and deep feelings of failure.
One of the things that I have noticed is that my willingness and effort to reach out to people has dropped dramatically and that I feel less connected to God. Most of this is probably due to me just feeling like I let people down and trying to deal with everything. Let’s be honest, we have all gone through times when we just put ourselves on an island, breaking away from people and throwing away our connections. I really put my self on a deserted desert island just because I wasn't happy with the situation that had developed. It’s been getting worse the last few days, but like always this timely placed message and hint appeared, from someone -- not sure who:
"I am like a caravan, lost in the desert searching for water." (Job 6:18 CEV) Do you ever have that feeling that something is missing in your life, but you don't know what it is? Maybe there's a longing in your heart, and you feel disconnected from God. If you feel like God is a million miles away, guess who moved? God didn't move; you did.
When you live on earth, you will sense a disconnection from God, where you feel he is far away. This disconnect leaves a hole in your heart that nothing else can fill. A lot of people look for ways to fill that hole, but they look in the wrong places. Why? Because they don't know they should be looking for God. In today's verse, Job described it as being like someone lost in the desert searching for water.
You want something to fill the emptiness, to satisfy the unmet desire. You try to quench that unquenchable thirst. But the longer you continue to look in the wrong places, the more darkness will increase in your life until you get to a place like the one the Bible describes: "They've refused for so long to deal with God that they've lost touch not only with God but with reality itself"(Ephesians 4:18 MSG).
I was sailing toward that big island and pushing people away with short answers and harsh responses, but just this little passage seemed to help bring me back. Well actually I kinda’ started sending up smoke signals for a start. But it’s a start. Writing this has already done wonders to make me feel like the loneliness is my own creation. Now, to just get off this island: maybe a rowboat or a helicopter. (CA)